Garden of Bleedin

April 16th, 2009

The continuous anxiously tapping fist on the door was itself geographically incongruous; this was supposed to be the land of rapping once then calling out while entering, if lore and media were to be believed. But there it was, the shock of a dovish mop with teeth freshly polished to match and bared reflexively.

Hi you two, watching a movie? Looks nice and quiet. Listen, I wanted to show you my garden, so that you can take what you want whenever you like. Remember the other night, I told you to help yourself? You like vegetables, right? Come on, come on up and I’ll show you.

The faintest hint of impatience is there as four feet are clothed: a slight shuffle from one foot to the other, or a barely perceptible sniffle that may have just been authentic snot-recoil. But we’re ready before long and plodding up the hill.

So, you two have a good time the other night? That was some party, huh? I was surprised my daughter turned up with her boyfriend; we had a huge argument last time and I hadn’t spoken to her in a year. But it was good to see her. These things often work out, you know? And you two were a big hit – everyone kept coming up and telling me that my new neighbors seemed really great. So here’s my garden – I always make it too big, and I don’t even eat half this shit. But you two should help yourself. See, there’s some broccoli here and cauliflower. I can’t even eat the cauliflower: gives me painful gas. And here are tomatoes, three kinds: little cherry tomatoes, big acidy ones, and um, something purplish in between in size. Here’s some basil: you like basil? Goddammit there’s already a flower here. If you’re ever in here and see flowers on the basil, cut them off, will you?
I have no idea what the hell this stuff is. My ex-wife always gives it to me, so I grow it. Cilantro? What the hell’s that for? I don’t know what kind of people can stomach that shit anyhow, but it grows up nice and seems to keep the bugs off my tomato plants. Or maybe I’m just imagining it. But you two should help yourselves.

There are some pumpkins over here but they won’t be ready for another couple of months. You know something funny? The other day at the party, I told a buddy of mine – you met him, Howard, the big guy? I gave him fifty bucks and asked him to buy me some fireworks. And when he came back, he reached out his hand and told me he’d gotten some coke instead, that Jimmy was bringing the fireworks. I was high as Einstein’s kite the whole time – you couldn’t tell, could you?

Ah, hell, it wasn’t Einstein with the kite. Edison? E names are all the same to me. But really, you couldn’t tell, could you? Because my daughter was there, and my ex-wife. Look at this eggplant – it’s looking really nice for so early in the season; you should help yourself to as much as you want; otherwise it’ll go to waste just sitting out here.

One Response to “Garden of Bleedin”

  1. jon Says:

    E names are all the same to me too. Elspath. Eggstrom. Expedia.

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